Getting Back On Track

Let’s start with the obvious: yes, it’s been a year since I’ve written one of these. Bear with me if I’m a little rusty. I’ve been busy, sure, but not nearly as busy as I should have been. I probably wouldn’t be alone in saying that this year has been an absolute whirlwind. But for me at least, it hasn’t all been up and down. There were adventures I could have and perhaps should have written about earlier. There were moments of despair and sadness that I could have and perhaps should have let out in some way. There’s certainly a fair amount to catch you all up on. But overall, this year has just been.

Where We Left Off

Like I said, there’s a decent amount to catch up on, but in order to do so, it helps to look back at where I last left off here. It was the end of June, the sun was shining, I was just finishing up graduation with a class that I loved (though that was certainly starting to give me a run for my money) and ready for an opportunity in a new classroom. Covid seemed to be on the tail end, things were finally getting back to normal, I was all set to go to Watkins Glen with my cousin for the races… Things were looking pretty dang good, the best they’d looked in a while.

But things didn’t exactly go as I’d planned. Summer came, and went, and while I certainly got to do fun things like the races and a couple road-trips summer wasn’t exactly what I’d expected. Adjusting to a new class and set of kids was certainly both a thrill and learning curve, and I found myself relearning a lot of what it meant to be a teacher and struggling with problems I hadn’t yet dealt with. Fall showed up around the corner quicker than I would have liked, and it stayed for just about as long as summer. Covid, despite my best hopes, didn’t disappear like I had hoped, and over time everything seemed to bounce back to late 2020. Winter arrived with its usual tenacity and cold, and with the pandemic light back on that was a period of waiting for things to get better. Then of course they did, but by the time spring had sprung I found myself so hyper focused on preparing for next year that I had a hard time living in this one.

Twelve months later, here we are again in almost the same spot I was a year ago. I’m all set for graduation with a group of kids I love dearly and who have tested my patience. The pandemic once again seems to be over and things are brightening up. I probably won’t be doing the races this year, but I did get to see my cousin in Florida earlier in the year, and I’m sure I’ll have some other fun trips planned out this summer. The sun shines. I’m ready for the next adventure, ready to get moving with life again. It all seems… exactly the same.

Trying to Survive

If that recap seems like a blur, that’s kind of because it is. Like I said, there’s been highs and there’s been lows. But a lot of the year has been just stagnant. And while looking back now it is a bit of a blur, in the moment, it took a lot to get through it. Some of it, yes, is the circumstances. Going on year three of pandemic is tough. Screaming and thrashing and occasionally biting kids are tough. Thoughts about grad school, about choosing your career path, whether or not you’ve chosen or will choose right. Anxiety about the future, when you’re watching wars rage and pandemics phase and gas and house prices triple in days. All of that, and sometimes you just shut down and wait it out while hoping things get better.

This is a hard day to live in. This has been a hard year to live in. And I haven’t opened up about it nearly as much I should have. I haven’t tried to grow in the ways I should have. I haven’t aspired the way I should have. Maybe most importantly, I haven’t leaned on my friends or family or God enough to help me through. I did make it through, but it’s just that. Making it through. Living a stagnant year and ending up in the same spot I was this time last year.

I want more than that. I want to live my life to the fullest. Savoring every moment along the way, good or bad, and come out with a great story to tell. I want to move forward knowing that I’m on the right track, following God’s plan for my life. We all want that, I think. And I wanted it last year too. But I fell short. There’s circumstances to blame for at least part of it, sure, but a lot of it does come down to me.

Shifting Focus

Until actually sitting down and writing this, that’s where I was. Looking back at the year and seeing where I fell short. Where I could have grown, where I could have shared my joy, where I could have stayed closer with friends or could have developed myself. Perhaps, wishing I’d known for sure I was in the right spot. Sometimes, you look back and see a lot of that.

Yet, at the same time, if you look back the right way, you can see you weren’t too far off all along. I did grow. I did share my joy. I did stay close with friends; I did develop myself and my future. I did exactly what I was meant to this year.

I got to fly to Savannah and Florida for spring break, enjoy several road trips with my grandparents, and spend a couple days in Maine all to myself (speaking of, check out the (still under-construction) travel section of my website later!). I got to experience the joys of a new set of kids as a Busy Bees teacher, with two amazing co-teachers who became both great working partners and role models as well as great friends who were there for me when the going got rough. This year made me become a better, stronger teacher, and helped me finally commit to the step of going to grad school for childhood education (Saint Rose here I come!). My dog has gotten more and more comfortable with me, and every morning I didn’t want to wake up and go through another day, he stood by waiting to share breakfast with me. I spent time with friends, with family, cherishing life for what it is. Going through hard days, going through easy days, I was there.

Looking back, the year was pretty dang awesome. I can spend time looking at where I could have been, but I can also know for certain that I was where I was supposed to be. I was there for adventures across the country. I was there for my friends who needed me. I was there for my family, I was there for my kids, I was there for me. And I can be again.

Moving Forward… Again

"I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them." -Ed Helms, The Office

Now here I am, like I was last year, the school year done and ready for a big life step to come. Things didn’t work out exactly the way I planned last year. They probably worked the way God wanted, but there’s still lessons to be learned.

The first, don’t hold yourself back. Similarly, don’t let the world hold you back. Schedules will get tight. Pandemics may be in sight. Children might bite. But whatever happens, don’t hold back. If you want to write a blog or your book, write. If you want to go on a trip to the zoo, go to the zoo. Whether you want to follow your grandest dreams or just fulfill some small wish, do it. Cry when you need to, laugh when you need to. Share your joy or your sorrows, with the world or just a single person. Make an effort to do the things you want, and don’t let anything keep you from taking care of yourself.

Second, don’t hold yourself to too high a standard. There are some things you can’t change. Despite your best efforts, you can’t do it all. You probably won’t go on a cross country road trip this year. You probably won’t finish your book this year. You’ll be busy with school or work or even just moments where you need to not do anything productive at all. That’s all fine. You will fall. You won’t do it all. You can’t. So don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t accomplish every goal or climb every mountain. Chances are you’re making more progress than you realize.

Third, live now. God has you here for a reason. Maybe you don’t see it yet, maybe you won’t for another couple years. Maybe you never will. But you are where you’re meant to be. I wasted a lot of this year because I was either too caught up in what I hadn’t done or too anxious about what I might do. I’m not letting that happen again. Grow in the moment. Laugh and cry in the moment. Spread joy and light in the moment.

I don’t want to waste another year like this. It was far too great to realize only in June that it was so. Instead, live now. If you do look back, look with fondness. If you do look forward, look with hope. But above all, live now.