Finding My Purpose... Amidst a Crisis

My purpose is something I’ve written about before. Finding my purpose, my destiny, whatever you want to call it. It’s been a lifelong quest, and honestly, it may very well be a quest that lasts my entire life. Obviously, I don’t know exactly what that means for me. No one does. It could mean a life of adventure and grandeur back in Australia. It could mean the simple life of a teacher who found someone and settled very close to home. There’s a number of things I want my destiny to be like, and a number of steps necessary to arrive there. But at the same time, destiny isn’t something one controls or plans. It just, hits you. When you least expect it, a greater plan unfolds that goes beyond your imagining and comprehension, one that changes your life like never before in ways you never knew. The curtains open, life unfolds and it’s unlike anything you could have expected. And when that destiny is suddenly thrust upon you, it redefines you, it shapes you, into a new and greater being prepared to take on whatever the world may throw at you.

At least, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. But destiny comes to us much differently than we anticipate. In this case, as with others, it comes as a violent and relentless tidal wave. There’s no way to prepare for it, and when it hits, it hits in the ways you least expect. Destiny isn’t always how you wanted it to be. The events that unfold in your life hardly ever work out the way they are “supposed” to. And yet, each of us, I believe, is at one point or many hit with a destiny that was never expected and that we have no control over. Dread it, run from it, fight it… destiny arrives all the same. And now, it’s here.

Driven by Fate

Ever since my mother died, I’ve had this sense that each of us is meant to accomplish some great purpose in life, to reach a certain destiny as we strive towards an unseen divine plan. There’s certainly moments where destiny is very clear, where you can visibly see your life unfolding before you, but in my experience, it usually just hits you randomly. Because with me, I’m the kind of person that has just about zero clue where I’m going in life until it hits you. Life is random. Going to New Paltz, flying to Australia, working at the preschool, all came up as very random occurrences that I wasn’t entirely sure about until something hit me over the head and told me it was right. Of course, I was scared, at least for a while. But once I eventually did make up my mind up, I became determined to have my destiny roll out before me and take full advantage of the opportunities that lay ahead. I made friends, saw the world, learned important life lessons and somehow along the way found myself one step closer towards achieving my purpose. Perhaps it was fate that put me in Deyo 112, or Melbourne, or Speckled Frogs. Maybe everything was planned out exactly the way it was meant to be.

But just as much as there are points in life where your destiny rolls in front of you like a giant carpet, there’s other times where it seems like you’re headed nowhere. After my mom died. After graduating high school and at community college. For a short while, after graduating New Paltz. And recently, after the holidays in December and realizing that the magic of a new job and new life are gone. Maybe life is headed nowhere and destiny is on pause. Maybe you sit and wait for things to get better and for the next step in finding your purpose.

And suddenly, everything shuts down. Even the small things that gave you some amount of purpose are gone. Going to the grocery store. Meeting up with friends. Staying at work until 5:30 because a parent didn’t show up until the last minute and then staying another hour talking with your boss and coworker. If there ever was a time where it felt like life had no purpose, this is it. Day and night blend together and any semblance of a regular sleep schedule is gone. Your diet’s also changed: one day you’ve got food in the house and are making deluxe grilled cheeses and the next you’re eating leftover Hot Pockets you found in the back of the freezer five years past the expiration date. You go from the bed, to the living room, to the desk, to the kitchen, to your sister’s room, and repeat.

All this, because some dude allegedly ate a bat.

“While there is Life, there is Hope”

A number of people have used the above quote in some form or another, but the most famous of them all (or at least earliest) was Cicero, one of the most famous orators of the late Roman Republic. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume that this was before he was proscribed an enemy of the state, had his property confiscated, was brutally murdered, and had his hands nailed to the podium of the Senate. Point is, life sucks sometimes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, and honestly, that was the case long before this pandemic and it’ll probably be the case long after too. It’s evident that this isn’t what anyone wanted, or planned, and the implications of this will be far reaching. And it does suck.

But that doesn’t mean that there’s no purpose to it. When this thing initially started, I couldn’t tell you how many times I found myself asking God “why”. You know, “Why did you have to close school and push me out of my normal job?” “Why did you have to shut down life as we know it and stay isolated from many of the people I love?” “Why do people have to die from this?” Even though I do feel like life is at least slightly random and chaotic, I believe deep down that the randomness actually has some divine plan to it. I still keep trying to think of things in terms of a global ‘plan’ or ‘purpose’ to all this. Honestly, what the hell is God’s plan here?? What possible plan could be derived from this?

But one night, I realized maybe I was thinking too big. Maybe this virus isn’t as global as I thought. Maybe, it’s not meant to have an international effect, but rather, an individual effect. Maybe there’s not one global plan God has for this. Maybe, instead, it’s seven billion little plans. Seven billion little purposes fulfilled. And when you put it that way, maybe it makes the whole thing less scary. Because I’ve been through these moments before where I felt trapped and felt like life was going nowhere. I felt it before this virus kickstarted. I felt it at moments in college, and high school, and I felt it after losing Mom. And yet, I made it through. I turned out okay. And so I will again.

Suffering is a part of life. Being trapped and alone and uncertain, feeling like life is headed nowhere is part of life. And it does suck. But there is hope. There is always hope. Because the greatest moments that define us in our life are those that challenge us most and that shape us to become more than we thought we could be. Although it may not seem it, there is still a purpose. There is still a greater plan.

Learning how to Grow

"“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”" -J.R.R Tolkien

So, all that means that despite the world falling to pieces around me, there’s still some way this can be used for good in my life. There is still a purpose for me during this. Though this isn’t exactly the step I planned, I can still use this step to grow closer to where my destiny is meant to truly take me. And that comes in a number of smaller ways. The fact is, I’m not any closer to figuring out what I want to do with my life. So instead, I grow in smaller, less obvious ways. I have time to write my book, which I’ve made a significant amount of progress on despite deciding to restructure the entire thing (the first two chapters are now available to read here!). I get to go on hikes and bike rides, and my sister has even got me start running with her two or three times a week (I’m not nearly as good as she is). Work still keeps me busy with sending out daily activities to parents and working on progress reports. I get to spend time watching movies, solving puzzles, and playing boardgames with my family. I still talk to my friends, and though I can’t see them in person know that once I can it’ll make the reunion all the better.

All in all, I still have a lot, and above all, I’m thankful. I’m thankful for my health, obviously. I’m thankful that I’m stuck at home with a family that loves each other and isn’t entirely sick of each other. I’m thankful for my job and that I still have a paycheck, but more than that I’m thankful I’m still involved with the kids and get to see some of them over video chat for stories and dance parties. I’m thankful for my friends, that we’re all here for each other through this, and that we can stay up playing games while chatting or rant about life. I’m thankful for beautiful weather, for the smell of spring flowers or the taste of homemade brownies.

Maybe there’s a lot of things we don’t have right now, but maybe there’s a lot that we still do. For now, I’m thankful that even amidst a crisis I can find new ways to grow as I strive towards my unseen destiny. All that big stuff, I’ll get to it eventually. I’ll finish the book. I’ll get the girl destined for me. I’ll find the perfect, lifetime job. I’ll get married and move to whatever unseen place I’m meant to settle me in on whatever end of the Earth God sees me in. I’ll be a father. I’ll have accomplished my divine purpose. I’ll have achieved my destiny.

But why wait? All that stuff will be there when I get back. So, my destiny is here, right now. It isn’t what I planned, and in a lot of ways, it sucks. But I can still be thankful for what I have left. I can still make the most of the hands I’m dealt. And because of it, I’ll come back stronger than ever.